Hello, world. I wonder if there’s anybody out there still reading this. If not, that’s understandable, considering I update like once every six months and completely fail at social media. Perhaps I am getting old, but I just can’t be bothered. Still, apparently, the urge to spill my thoughts out on the Internet remains. So I cling to what was hip in like 2007 and try to shake this blog to life once again.
Last I wrote, we were in the middle of a move with an as yet unknown destination. The situation did solve itself, at the last minute we actually found an apartment to move into. Even a nice, big and yet affordable one, which we get to stay in as long as we pay the rent. Public housing, how I’ve missed you. <3
Those months of panic, combined with the highest gear engaged in basically every other area of life as well, finally got the better of me. By October I was a wreck with chronic chest pains, disturbed sleep and anxiety attacks triggered by everyday things such as riding a bus or being in a room with more than one conversation going on at once. My doctor granted me sick leave to prevent full-on exhaustion, so my fall has been about Chilling The Fuck Out.
Supposedly the easiest thing in the world, right? Not for me, it turns out. First it was the hurdle of shame to get over. I did promise myself never again last time it happened. Apparently I failed to keep myself in check. And then breaking the habit of doing things all the time is damned hard when you’ve basically built your life around the dopamine feedback of Accomplisments.
Last but not least, how to find a healthy balance between activity and rest, between challenging yourself for a good purpose and listening to your own needs? Especially when most things in life are challenging so that toughening out all sorts of situations have become second nature? After 30+ years of it the majority of the people around you will probably be entirely unaware of what’s going on, since the inevitable crashes are handled with such formidable stealth you even manage to fool yourself. Until your psychologist points out that it isn’t normal to have to go to the bathroom and cry after every meeting at work.
I wish there was a user manual for my brain, but all the professionals I’ve talked to so far claim that there isn’t one. I’m gonna have to make do with trial and error. Well, I’ve trialed and errored all my life, and I still haven’t figured out much of what most people have by the time they’re 20. Just listen to your body isn’t very helpful advice when alarm systems go off at the slightest provocation, even when I am not on the border of exhaustion. My body is sending such a flood of signals that if I were to take them all seriously I would never even leave my room. And tempting as that is right now, that’s not actually how I want to live.
Well, if there’s one thing this year has taught me, it is that I do have a capacity for healing, but it requires a lot of trust and patience. Possibly also a diagnosis would help. We’ll see about that in the year to come, but one thing at a time. First, I’ll boycott Christmas and New Years’ celebrations for a Vipassana retreat, and then I shall head straight into social hibernation. See you in February, maybe. Stay tuned, if you have the patience.
Love and healing,
Tim
